An interview with a fictional character – Alice

”Thank you for being here today, Miss Alice. Our readers will be delighted to hear from you given so many of them feel like they have known you for years.’

‘A pleasure.’ Alice blushes pink and adjusts her white pinny.

‘Let’s get stuck straight on, shall we?’

Alice nods, pulls at her blue sleeve.

‘What did it actually feel like, falling down the rabbit hole?’

Alice in wonderland

‘A surprise, to be honest. There was this rabbit you see.’

‘Yes, a white rabbit.’

‘Yes, white.’ Alice pauses, raises a finger to her lips. Hmm. His colour is immaterial to the story I feel.’

‘Yes, of course. He could have been a black rabbit.’

Alice frowns. ‘Or brown, or black and white.’

‘Yes, yes. As you say, the colour holds no bearing on the story.’

She nods, smiles, and I carry on. ‘So you followed him, this rabbit?’

The creases in her pale forehead return. ‘The rabbit’s gender shouldn’t be an issue either.’

I’m quick to agree, but Alice isn’t finished. ‘Or their species,’ she says. ‘Could have been a cat or a pony.’

I demur. ‘Cats and ponies don’t go rushing down rabbit holes.’

Alice’s blue eyes widen with indignation. ‘They could, if they were empowered to do so. It’s only because of human oppression that cats and ponies don’t believe they can go down rabbit holes.’ She glares.

I shrug. ‘Right. So you followed an animal down a rabbit hole?’

‘Why does it have to be a rabbit hole?’ Her glare strengthens. ‘There are other kinds of holes, and they shouldn’t be neglected because people are fixated on rabbit holes.’

‘Okay. A hole, in the ground.’

‘It might not have been in the ground.’ Alice turns thoughtful.

‘I know, I know,’ I cry. ‘There are all kinds of holes in the world.’

‘Yes, and you mustn’t place one above the others.’

My mind carries this image of holes above holes until I feel like I’m sinking into a starless void of a hole. I gather myself, close my notepad and put away my pen.

‘Look,’ I say, ‘how about next time you do something far less complex?’

She stares at me. ‘Like what?’

I wave my hands, exasperated. ‘Like walking through a looking glass.’

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6 thoughts on “An interview with a fictional character – Alice”


    “How did you manage to escape the wolf’s jaws?”
    Little Red Riding Hood squirmed uncomfortably, pulling her cape more closely around her. Although she always expected to be asked this question every time anyone talked to her, it was never an easy one to answer.
    “Well, I…” she began. Then a voluble rush.
    “You see, it’s like this. Wolves are very dangerous creatures. We all know that. And I was expecting my grandma to be at the house. Ready to share a meal with me when I arrived. Not in bed. And certainly not locked in a cupboard.”
    “But wasn’t she eaten?” inquired the TV interviewer, a little perplexed.
    “No, no. For some reason, the wolf was waiting for me. I think he had spotted me in the forest and must have thought I’d make a tasty morsel. Granny is old and probably a little tough to digest.”
    “Well, what happened when you arrived at your grandmother’s cottage?”
    “First, I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. So, I went inside and called out and still no response. I put my basket of goodies on the kitchen table and went looking for granny. That’s when I saw her in bed in her nightie and bonnet.”
    “What happened then?” the interviewer prompted.
    “I said hello, granny, aren’t you well? And she said she was a little poorly and to come and sit on the bed and talk to her.”
    “And did you?” asked the interviewer.
    “Well, I was going to, but then I noticed there was something funny about her mouth, eyes and ears.”
    “So, what did you do?”
    “I told her so – and she became a little annoyed.”
    “Then what?”
    “She kept insisting I come closer but, somehow, it didn’t sit right with me – so I didn’t.”
    “And then, she suddenly leapt out of bed and came rapidly towards me. That’s when I saw it was a wolf, so I ran screaming from the cottage.”
    “Was the wolf still chasing you?”
    “Yes, but a nearby woodman heard my screams and came to my rescue.”
    “What did he do?”
    “Swung his axe and chopped the wolf’s head clean off.”
    “Did you find granny?”
    “Thank goodness, yes. Locked in a cupboard, like I said, terrified but otherwise unharmed.”
    “Bet you were glad you visited her,” offered the interviewer.
    “Yes, yes, of course. However, I can’t help but feel if I hadn’t bothered to go none of this would have happened.”

    1. I always thought Granny was eaten and the woodsman chopped the wolf open to rescue her – but then, my mother didn’t believe in coating anything with sugar LOL

  2. Hilarious. Very clever rendition. Love the way you have completely turned the story on its head😂😂

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